ShamanofShadows

Take everything I said in my last entry, and reverse it - everything that once was, is no more.
Once again, I've been left heartbroken.
Once again, I was pushed to the breaking point, and then punished for a breaking heart, and had every single thing I held dear taken from me.
Why?
Because I dared to believe in dreams...in the Universe...in true love.
I fought to keep my worst fears from becoming reality, and failed.  There is nothing one can do when others, or the Universe, or whatever,  are determined to hurt you in such ways.  Fight as we can, it will all be for naught.
I was once a pretty straightforward kind of man...I valued love and honesty above all things...worshiped my wife and adored my little girl with all my heart.
Then I found out that everything I once held to be true, was nothing but a lie.
All of it.  It was always just an illusion. 
Now, the only thing I have left is the hope that one day, I'll be able to hold my little one again.
Other than that, I have nothing...am nothing.
I don't create any more.  I don't write, except letters to my daughter that may never be read.  I don't paint.  I just sit in the dark, looking at pictures of my life, and realizing how little it all meant to anyone except my little girl.
I miss you Savannah.  Your Daddy misses you more than anything.  I hope you know how much he loves you...how hard he tried to give you and your mommy a home...how much he loved you both.

Looking at my page, I realized that I had not posted anything in the way of a journal entry in over a year and a half.  Time sure can fly when you're busting your ass.  It's been a rough ride since my last post - too much going on, and more crap than I ever care to relate, but I believe the storm has finally passed.  My wife and I were finally able to move, and I will have a true studio space for the first time in several years.   Once we are settled in, I will finally be able to post more photos, and complete the many projects on my artistic to-do list.  With any luck, we have begun to finally move forward in a positive direction.

~Namaste

I've been sick for the last week, sicker than I've been for over a decade. Some kind of nasty upper respiratory/sinus/throat thing that refuses to die, leaving me to hack up chunks of phlegm the consistency of spoiled mayonnaise, and leaves me weak, unable to sleep, sweating, shaking, and wracked with coughs despite a prescription cough medication.
On the good side, the job I applied for has not been filled; the company is in their open enrollment period and very busy, and that, and one little emoticon, made my day in ways I cannot describe. I have an anger assessment appointment next Wednesday, and have decided that regardless of the assessment, I will go ahead and take the class anyway.
I've always been one to disagree at first, for whatever reason, but then common sense always takes hold, and I come around to seeing the truth. This is in itself a symptom, but there were two other factors that played heavily in my decision. The first, of course, is what my beautiful wife has tried to tell me in different ways for several years. The second, and easily if not more important, is that I see the changes in my grandchildren, changes brought on by the personalities of those around them, and I cannot have the issues I have be absorbed in any way by me sweet, innocent Savannah. I cannot, and will not, allow that to happen. She is the sweetest, most loving child I've ever known, different in her attitude than any child I've ever met, and I will do anything to keep it that way.
Both my wife, and my daughter, deserve better out of me. Regardless of what is transpiring now, or anything that happens later, I have to do this, both for myself, and for them. I'm so tired of dealing with the various issues I've had since my accident so many years ago, and from my way of reacting to things, which has likely been around since before then, a remnant of my upbringing by a controlling woman who had she been assessed, would likely be diagnosed as both histrionic and suffering from borderline personality disorder. Before the accident, this aspect was easily dealt with; the discipline of my arts gave me a high level of self-control. After my trauma, however, I was left in chronic pain, constantly, and without the continuous training to which I was accustomed, that discipline was sorely lacking.
But I want more than mere discipline or coping mechanisms. I want to rid myself of all the conditions brought on by the accident. The next step will be to address those, either at the same center or another more specialized, and to get proper medical attention for my chronic pain, which will be easily afforded once I have a position in which I can excel. I want to live the remainder of my life free of the pain and migraines, free of the periodic anxiety and stress that has plagued me for over a decade, live it in joy and wonder at the growth of my little girl, and with any luck, with my Dragonfly at my side. The prospect of these events have left me both hopeful and even a bit excited, for the hardest step is always the first. Once taken, I can continue on that path, and make myself the best father, and husband, that I can be.

 Dragonfly, wherever you are, I love you and Savannah with all my heart.